Choosing a Fresh Perspective

Standard

Tomorrow I’m traveling to Chennai, the hub for Bharata Natyam and Karnatik music. As I’m returning to my old stomping grounds, I’m contemplating how to approach my time there. What immediately comes to me is the desire to have a fresh perspective. I want to renew my relationship to dance and explore what dance can be in my life. I would like to create new associations that are enlivening and empowering.

It’s been more than fours years now since I left Chennai. Since then, I’ve gained some insights about myself and my approach to dance. See, when I lived and studied in Kalakshetra I approached my training as a self-imposed boot-camp. I see that now. Eventually, I came to associate dance with hard relentless work and even pain. I was never good enough, no matter how hard I tried. Yet I wasn’t aware that my ‘truth’ was in fact a web of self-limiting beliefs. In my ongoing attempts to unravel the threads of this web, I’ve started sharing openly on this blog and elsewhere. (Of course, I’ve also come to see that this is ‘a dancer’s syndrome.’ Or as my little sister Jambu says, “you dancers are so mental.” If I may venture to generalize, we artists are quite vulnerable to self-doubt.)

Another painful truth that I had to face as I left India was that I had tried to do away with myself to become a South Indian girl. In my eagerness to be accepted and imbibe it all, I was all too ready to sacrifice myself. I think I was afraid, and still sometimes am, of being my own unique person. I was convinced that I couldn’t be me and be an authentic Bharata Natyam dancer. I felt self-conscious about my whiteness and foreignness, instead of simply accepting that both of those are intrinsic aspects of my current psychophysical nature.

Because of these factors, I’ve been afraid to return to India and especially Chennai fearing that my ‘old ways’ would be reactivated, and that I would be pulled into my self-critique again. Even though I do feel anxiety about this, I also feel ready to put that old way of being behind me.

So this time in Chennai, I want to consciously accept myself, including my limitations, my progress, my inner depth, my reactivity, all of it. Basically, I plan to be 100% honest with myself about my feelings. This usually leads me to a greater awareness and acceptance of what goes on within.

During my time in Chennai, I want to truthfully explore my feelings for dance. Where do I want to go with this? What is dance in my life really? What do I feel inspired to work towards, if anything?

I’m also excited to observe what’s happening in Chennai’s dance world and gain some clarity through that where my heart is. What do I resonate with? What do I want to stand for? If I was brave enough to walk my own way, where would I go?

I look forward to sharing my discoveries with you.

About these ads

10 responses »

      • I think so, yes… at least it has been for me…
        My experience is that to look at “the truth” of who I am is shattering, based on all the conditioning of “who I am not” that I have identified with over lifetimes.
        So, I slowly reveal myself to myself – in small & profound ways, such as…

        “Basically, I plan to be 100% honest with myself about my feelings. This usually leads me to a greater awareness and acceptance of what goes on within.”

        I do believe the game of self-discovery is infinite and eternal, with deeper and deeper truths waiting for us inside.

      • pretty deep answer. thanks. Love this: “the game of self-discovery is infinite and eternal, with deeper and deeper truths waiting for us inside” … This really resonates with me, while at the same time giving me slight fear of heights :P how deep can I go? Which is why exactly, I suppose, I am where I am right now, no deeper, and no shallower…

  1. Sound like a nice journey home to yourself. I can see how you are clear about what you want to create while in Chenai and what qualities of yourself you want to access to create those adventures and discoveries. Have a wonderful trip Vrinda.

    • Yes, I feel pretty intentional. Recently had a very heart-warming experience in Brazil because I was very clear what I wanted to experience, and with the benevolence of God, it happened. So I feel empowered to try it again :) Definitely my thinking has been informed alot by your association and Davids :)

    • Sophie! Thanks for reminding me that I was going to share my discoveries. As usual, it wasn’t what I could have expected or anticipated, but altgother different, my discoveries that is :) But I will get around to formulating my thoughts around it soon :)

  2. Pingback: 9 Months Later… | Like Telling a Secret

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s